We need to talk about the state of Uncharted 4‘s lemon situation.
Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End is out next week and the reviews have been pretty damn spectacular. My own review was highly praiseworthy, even if it did upset some pissbabies who wanted me to say it was perfect instead of “merely” great. At any rate, there seems to be a consensus that Naughty Dog’s final Nathan Drake adventure is a thing of beauty.
Unfortunately, there’s one thing about the game that isn’t so pretty – I’m talking about the sad lemon problem.
Uncharted 4 is a gorgeous game. Inspiring scenic vistas, evocative animations, and beautiful color palettes make this one of the finest looking PS4 releases out there.
Naughty Dog’s attention to detail is to be envied, but they really dropped the ball when it comes to the representation of lemons. As you can see in the above picture, an early stage of A Thief’s End involves a jaunt through a lemon orchard, but the yellow fruit has been thoroughly shortchanged.
With jagged edges and a total lack of texture, these are quite possibly the worst lemons. The worst lemons that have ever been.
The worst lemons.
I took lots of pictures of these lemons. Some would say too many pictures. There’s no such thing as overdoing it, however, when blowing the whistle on citrus-based slapdashery.
This angular fruit, bearing none of the refined majesty found in nature’s ellipsoidal provider of vitamin C, is a slap in the face to lemon fans everywhere.
Please don’t be mad at me for this. I like Uncharted 4 a lot, but I’m beyond baffled at people calling it a “game of the year contender” and showering it with 10/10 review scores when such an astonishing lack of detail can be found in its lemons.
If we ever needed more proof of a corrupt games press, look no further than this. We have on our hands the first tangible evidence of corruption among game journalists, but nobody is swallowing this lemon. It leaves a sour taste.
I have to admit, my respect for Naughty Dog has taken a hit since I’ve discovered the studio’s contemptuous disregard for fruit.
A game with such bad lemons could maybe get a 9.9/10, but a 10/10? The reviews are objectively wrong.
Bad lemons.
Look at these smooth-ass lemons. Where is the pleasurable pock-marked texture that gives lemon rind its distinctive tactile delight?
Also, according to the bastards at Naughty Dog, lemons just dissolve into sludge when put in boxes. Look underneath the surface lemons. It’s just yellow oblivion in there. Shameful.
This is scum work perpetrated by bad idiots.
It doesn’t stop at lemons. Regard these shit pineapples.
An entire fruit market is found later in the game, and it’s populated by the kind of seed-bearing filth you’d eat in Satan’s worst nightmare.
These are supposed to be bananas, but I call them banaNAHs because if you’d offer me one, I’d say NAH!
NAH THOSE BANANAS SUCK!
Apples… or should I say CRAPPLES!?
Also I made these sausages go through Nathan’s fucking head.
Ha.
